Redecorate &

Spam In Your Can

June, 2003




Lor dhel pus wear ebe ings pam medby e vil mani acswho don tuser ealwor ds.

Ica nttak eitan ymor e.MyE nglis hisb roken!

Just when you thought you got rid of the spam......

It's the Read&Delete for June, 2003---  Spam in your can!

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First things first...... Because the school year is ending-- I thought it only fair to put forth a test to all you loyal readers.  Don't worry -- it's not a REAL test---it's only a quiz. This is simply a psychological questionnaire for those of you who are contemplating doing some decorating or remodeling over the summer.  The answers are at the end of the quiz... no peeking!

The Redecoration Quiz

The main reason I am redecorating my home is:
A.I feel that I can keep people out of my house by constantly repainting and moving furniture.
B. I feel this is the most painful and self destructive behavior I can manage on my budget.
C. You got a problem with that?
D. I feel that my home is an expression of my personalities.
E. I want to hide the evidence.

I get most of my decorating ideas from:
A. The set of the "Jerry Springer" Show.
B. Mr. Roger's house.
C. The storeroom in a taxidermy shop.
D. Motel 6.
E. Police headquarters.

When I walk into a room,  first thing I look for is:
A. Two exits.
B.  The composition tags on all the furniture.
C. Stuff I don't like.
D. A rocking chair facing a blank wall.
E. Hidden microphones.

My favorite motif is:
A. Haunted house-- Sharp contrasts, odd angles and lots of dark corners.
B. Ikea Catalog-- Whatever is in their catalog this week--- belongs in my house today!
C. Hunting Lodge-- Say it with antlers, moose heads, mounted fish or anything else I can kill with my own hands.
D. Minimalism -- Simple, and so easy to clean --so I can do it several times a day.
E. Neutral-- Beige covers a multitude of sins.

The last time I redecorated, it was because.....:
A. I just moved in, and there was this aura of negative energy left by the former owner/tenant.
B. The Smithsonian Institution seized all my furnishings for an exhibit they created on "bad taste."
C. My blind relative figured out just where everything was in the house.
D. It was Tuesday
E. I wanted to sell the place, and Lt. Columbo came by looking for clues.

For me, the hardest part of redecorating is:
A. Letting strangers into my house. How do *I* know that they really are painters?
B. Blending, blending, blending! It's all gotta match!
C. Getting somebody else to pay for it.
D. Getting the voices in my head to agree on a color for the bathroom.
E. Disposing of the bloody carpet, and digging bullets out of the plaster.

My favorite place to shop is:
A. Ebay..
B. Bloomies!
C. My neighborhood sidewalks on garbage night.
D. Kmart -- It's Martha Stewart's Idea Center!
E. Houses of rich people on vacation.

My choice for "window treatments" are:
A. Blinds-- so I can peek out and watch the illegal activities of my criminal neighbors.
B. Frilly lace curtains with flowery valances that match everything from the sofa to the bathroom towels.
C. Plastic "shrink wrap" and duct tape.
D. Tinfoil- to keep out the cosmic rays.
E. Old bed sheets and iron bars.

My favorite floor covering is:
A. Creaky bare wood-- it's safer.
B.  Persian and Oriental throw rugs with tasseled edges and cute patterns.
C. Ceramic tile, it's easy to clean--- with a garden hose.
D. Wall-to-wall cut pile carpeting with a pattern so complicated that it could put you into a trance if you look at it long enough.
E. Concrete.

How to score your test... Count up your  A's, B's,C's,D's & E's

If most (or all) of your answers were.....

A.  Then.....You are a paranoid sociopath, and you should give up on the idea of redecorating your domicile and simply move into a bomb shelter. You will be a lot happier in there with your 3 foot reinforced concrete walls and an airlock to keep you safe from the rest of humanity who are out to get you anyway.

B. Then.......You are a masochist. You are so bent on an idyllic life that you are going to destroy yourself . It would be far cheaper to move into a retirement home and spend your days watching old movies from the 30s and 40s and feeding your delusions, then it would be to schlep from store to store looking for chintz, prints and doilies.

C. Then....... You are obviously a bachelor. All you need to complete your decor is to put up your gun rack and post on the wall copies of all the restraining orders that are lodged against you, you lazy sadistic wretch.
Your most common decorating ideas are waiting for you in the gorilla house at the local zoo. Excessive testosterone is not conducive to creating the kind of decor that will attract members of the estrogen crowd- if you know what I mean-- and you probably don't.

D. Then....... Compulsion is your thing. It's not so bad slipping in and out of reality-- if you get the right meds. You might think about moving into a mobile home (they are encased in metal anyway) down by Area 51. Think about all the money you will save on tinfoil alone. As a bonus, most mobile homes have hypnotic floor coverings and cheap grainy paneling, so it should be easy for you to convince yourself that you are living aboard an alien

E. Then..... Listen, you miscreant---  depending upon the level of your depravity, either the county, the state or the feds have a place for you -- all made up and waiting for your check-in. Who knows? Maybe in six months or so Martha Stewart will stop by and give you some creative decorating ideas for your cell --- er--- habitat. You could make a decorative Hawaiian palm tree centerpiece from your tin cup, a handful of coffee grounds and some old plastic drinking straws. Remember, that's MY idea, not hers.

The bottom line is this...... if you are thinking about redecorating---- don't! Redecorating is a perilous and maddening journey into the realm of reorganizing the psyche. Hundreds of would-be redecorators have flipped out right there in the paint department of the local home improvement center. I won't even talk about colors-- I will stick to white. There is: white, off-white, trim white, bright white, flat white, satin white, eggshell white, blinding white and plain white. And then you can tint the stuff into billions of different and unmatchable shades. You put it on the wall and it runs like a banshee. The only thing it covers in a single coat is your skin. What are the first four letters in the word paint? I rest my case.

          Wallpaper? AAUUGGHHH! Are you out of your mind? It is easier to get the bubbles out of molten steel than it is to 'trim up' a strip of wallpaper. When you are done hanging wallpaper, you will spend the next year wondering if you got the seams right. Did you hear the story about the family that hung a room full of flowered wallpaper upside down and did not realize it until the job was done? They ended up moving to Australia.  Coincidence?
         You can put up paneling if you want to make yourself believe that you are living on the inside of  a cigar box.
      Put down your own wall-to-wall carpeting-- I dare you.  As far as I know the tools used to stretch and tack down carpet were designed by the Marquis De Sade. You use tack strips that look like something from the Chamber of Horrors, and a 'stretching tool' that you are supposed to use by bashing it with your knee. So you spend an afternoon stretching the new carpet by ramming your kneecap into the silly thing, then in three months you wonder why every time you stand up-- your knee joint sounds like somebody is popping a bag of microwave popcorn. It is easy to spot retired carpet installers-- they are the guys that have one knee so large that it wont fit easily down their pant leg.

Why am I going off like this?  Guess!   We are redecorating! Yes, sir! The Maloney tract ranch is getting a fresh coat of stress. Wendy is piloting the brushes and rollers and I am writing about it. This is the extent of my
house painting abilities. Painting requires skill, practice and patience-- none of which I possess. I can set up a corporate computer network, work inside an atomic accelerator, tear down and rebuild an automobile engine--- but I can't paint a house. I can spray paint a car (reasonably), but when it comes to doing a wall, I might as well drink the paint and get it over with.

Gotta go... My Spamusol in wearing off.....

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